Star Crossed
by Redcrush
Summary: They risked everything and gave their hearts to one another. So what happens when one of them goes mad ? How far would you go to save the one you loved ? to save them from themselves ? A tale of Cullen and Surana.
1. The Beginning of the End

**"Sorrow lasts through this night**

**I'll take this piece of you **

**and hold for all eternity**

**for just one second I felt whole**

**as you flew right through me **

**and into the stars"**

**-'Sorrow' Flyleaf-**

* * *

**Star-Crossed**

Chapter 1.

The Beginning of the End

Ember curls around herself… _tightly_. Not from the cold exactly, the night wind _is _freezing as it swirls around her tent, but that's not why she feels the need to cling to herself as though she would fall apart if she didn't. Somehow it makes her feel less empty inside and almost like she is back in his warm embracing arms. Back in the tower, the only home she's ever known. She longed and dreamed of leaving that place, but not like _this._ It's her first night away from there, and the only thing that feels familiar is her own skin, so she holds on to herself. Tears don't come despite the feeling of need for them to. Tears are somehow not enough. She has never felt like this before in her life. Finally she had grasped something she had always wanted, something beautiful and pure, only to see it slip out of her fingers and flutter away a breath later. Like a ghost and barely a touch of a memory now. She knew when she had made her decision that she would be saying good-bye, but she thought that it would leave her something to hold on to. All she feels now is a void, like she had left her heart in his armored hands when she stepped into the boat with Duncan. She can't help but make herself walk through every moment, desperately afraid that she will forget him unless she goes over every detail at least a thousand times. She knows there will be no sleep for her tonight as every time her eyes slide shut anticipating sleep, she see's _his_... burning bright, rich and serious which bring memories of their first meeting crashing into view.

**~*~**

He was being foolish, like always. Jowan; forty percent well meaning, but sadly sixty percent utter and complete foolishness. Ember was fourteen and had been at the circle since she was seven and she and Jowan had been instant friends since the day she arrived. She was young, and the templar guards and tower so intimidating despite all the bravado she had managed to create for herself. Jowan was one her many bunkmates. He was nice to her and had made her laugh and she felt comforted when he was around. Though she got along with all of the apprentices at the tower, he had quickly become something of a brother to her. Sometimes she felt guilty that she had surpassed his talents in magic albeit being at the circle for less time. He had a good heart, but got a little carried away when it came to the efforts of improving his skills.

Ember let out a sigh and shook her head in Jowan's direction. She couldn't help but smile though now as she watched him crawling ridiculously under the table softly calling out to the cat that the cook's had taken in and named Percy. As if the cat would come to him, he had been unrelenting in his efforts to practice various minor spells on her. None of them enough to hurt her, but the poor thing was scared and annoyed and was now desperately darting underneath the tables, and weaving in and out of chair legs in the library trying to find some kind of hiding place.

"Jowan!" Ember scolded.

"I really don't think your getting anywhere, you're not even trying to make it sound nice, and I can see your evil grin from all the way over here. Besides I think after the third stun spell you hit her with she is well aware of what you are up to… you might as well give up"

Jowan, on all fours, looked back at her from over her shoulders frustration written clearly in his expression.

"Be quiet Em!, I am determined to get this spell down before the sun sets, so unless you want to be a dummy for me to practice on, then you might as well resign to helping me catch her."

Ember laughed softly as Jowan went to stand bumping his head on the corner of the table.

"Jowan I will not be your practice-dummy for anything the maker could give me and I will not help you catch her either. The poor thing is terrified, look at her! She's shaking over there by the corridor" she said cursing herself as she realized that she had just given away the cat's coordinates.

Jowan glanced at her, rubbing his head, a look of revelation slowly spreading across his face.

"AHA! There you are, you little... I _WILL_ catch you!" he blurted out loudly, making the apprentices at the next table jump.

Stumbling at first, he bolted after her down the apprentice quarter's hallway the wind behind him sending a stack of papers flying in every direction.

_Oh for pity's sake..._

"JOWAN! WAIT!" Ember yelled after him, remembering Greagoir's announcement that a group of new Templars were arriving that day and being shown around the tower. They had explicit orders to be in the library in those hours. She sprung up from her chair knocking it over and began chasing after him praying that they weren't anywhere nearby. Jowan always seemed to bump into a Templar when he was up to no good.

Laughing she couldn't help but find the situation silly, but it felt good to be running, her hair whipping behind her. She impulsively closed her eyes and imagined that she was running through a field of daisies, the sun setting making everything warm and golden. She opened her eyes just in time to see the templar signet etched into armor coming straight for her and before she could dig in her heels to stop…

_**Crash**_…

Her lips let out a gasped murmur as the breath goes out of her and she felt herself falling into metal and chain mail. And it dawned on her what exactly that meant as they both went crashing backwards into the stone floor. She knew that she was about to be in all sorts of trouble.

Bracing for the worst she slowly, like someone who knows there about to be blinded by the sun, opened her eyes. Startled, surprised and slightly concerned eyes the color of honey stared back into hers. She laid there, sprawled on top of the boy completely frozen. These eyes weren't familiar, and Ember had a good memory. Out of fear she had memorized every templar in the tower. She knew which ones were nice, and which ones to avoid at all costs. These eyes were young and new to her and so deep, she could swim in them.

"EMBER! What in ANDRASTE'S NAME do you think you are doing ?!"

Snapping back from her reverie of swimming she skittered off of the grounded Templar and used the wall to support her self as she stood up, trying desperately not to look as petrified as she felt.

" I… I… I was… Well I'm s…s… sorry I didn't mean to…. Um…"

_Sweet Maker, why are you stuttering you silly stupid girl!_ She thought to herself, but words escaped her as she tried to think of some important reason she could have had for running around unauthorized with her eyes closed. She didn't want to get Jowan in trouble. Her eyes darted around to try and get a look at the honey eyed boy she had knocked over but the older Templar, who was not at all one of the nicer or brighter Templars at the tower, was blocking her view.

"Well you better come up with a better excuse than that, all mage apprentices are supposed to be in the library right now… I'm taking you to Greagoir"

Ember groaned… she hated Greagoir and especially Greagoir in his office. He always got irritated when a guard brought him something petty to deal with, and that in turn always made him a little more annoyed with whomever or whatever said guard was bringing.

With that the older Templar grabbed her arm roughly and walked, half dragged her toward the knight commander's office motioning for the group of new guards to follow. Ember glanced back behind her and straight into what had sparked so much curiosity in her moments earlier, 'those eyes' of 'that templar'. She smiled sheepishly her cheeks turning a slight pink and felt the sudden pulling urge to know his name.


	2. The Quiet Watcher

**"Come up to meet you**

**tell you I'm sorry **

**you don't know how lovely you are**

**I had to find you **

**tell you I need you **

**tell you I set you apart"**

**-'The Scientist' Coldplay-**

* * *

**The Quiet Watcher**

Traveling with Duncan helps to take Ember's mind off of the aching hole she feels deep in her heart. She can't remember life before she came to the tower. Everything is new to her now and it feels good to be headed somewhere with a purpose, the wind at her back. Duncan was _interesting _to say the least. He had knowledge and experience etched in every line of his face, and in every scar which there were many that she had caught glimpses of during their time together. She wanted to soak up any and all information that he could share with her. He was mostly very secretive about things, but he did tell her stories. He told her of past grey wardens and of the previous blight. It is all so fascinating to her. She has to admit At first she was wary of the man who had taken her away from her home and _him… _but they had been traveling together for more than a week now and she had grown to like him quite a bit. Even though she is an elf and he a human she can't help but think that if she had a father that she knew of, she would want him to be like Duncan.

"We will be in Ostagar before nightfall, there you will rest and in the morning you are to see Alistair, he is one of our junior members and will accompany you and two other recruits through the joining." Duncan announced , breaking the silence and interrupting her thoughts.

"Oh…"

_The Joining… the word echoes in her head… _

She expected there to be some sort of test akin to a harrowing before becoming a true grey warden, but this is different it isn't something she can study for or practice. She suddenly feels out of her element and wonders what to expect. It is all so _secretive_. She has been for most her life a mage apprentice and now a mage. The realization hits her that she has no idea how to be a Grey Warden or what will be expected of her. The thought makes her stomach turn uneasily.

" Duncan... Is there anything you can tell me about the Joining ? Before my harrowing I studied and practiced for weeks… I feel so unprepared for this… " She wants to say scared, but she doesn't want him to know all the worries and doubts that fill her mind.

He gives her a reassuring look.

_Holy maker, do I wear my feelings on my sleeve ?! Damn it woman! You are now in a world of men, armored warriors, and … Darkspawn!_

Ember gulped.

_Yes you are a woman and an elf , but you are strong and not the meek and mild apprentice anymore… be proud of who you are… and for goodness sake stop doubting yourself… _

Duncan smiles at her as if he can hear her mental pep-talk.

"I chose you for a reason Ember. I had picked you out before Greagoir threatened to punish you for following Irving's orders. You have rare, promising talent and I have every confidence that you will make it through the joining. All that I can tell you is that you will be going into the korcari wilds."

_The Korcari wilds… And my day just keeps getting better…_

His words fill her with confidence though, and a little sarcasm.

"_Sooo_ Let me see if I got this straight… your sending me into the legendary korcari wilds where I will meet Maker knows what, crazy apostate mages, darkspawn, chasind wilders, and hey maybe even throw in a few ogre's and a couple werewolves JUST to make things interesting. BUT do not worry fearless mage, you will be accompanied by our JUNIOR member of the order. Do I have that right" she says smirking.

Duncan chuckles.

"Well I highly doubt there will be ogres or Werewolves."

Ember grins.

"Oh well perfect, very reassuring, piece of cake then."

"I do think that you and Alistair will get along quite well" Duncan remarks.

"Oh Goody, Darkspawn AND new friends. How _is_ it that you find it hard to get new recruits, I wonder." she laughs.

It feels good to laugh again. It reminds her of days in the past and the carefree banter between her and …

_Jowan…_

her heart sinks at the thought of him. Anger creeping at the corners of loss.

_How could he be so stupid… _

Her thoughts are interrupted by the sight of ruins coming into view just beyond the horizon. Ember sucks in a deep breath of awe.

_Ostagar ._

As they get closer she can see how expansive the ruins are.

_So much history here. These buildings tell so many stories. _

"I… I've never seen anything like this." she gushes as they reach the bridge.

Duncan just smiles at her, a hint of reminiscence flashing through his eyes.

"Come I will show you to camp, you need food and rest"

**~*~**

Later that evening Ember sits outside her tent her arms wrapping around her legs and her chin resting on her knee's. She watches the fire dance and flip and feels it's warmth. She had a good meal earlier and her body tells her that everything is at ease. Her mind is telling her a different story though. So much has happened… in so little time. A month ago she was a different person. Her eyes were opening now to the world. Her heart experiencing love and loss all in one breath. The pain of goodbye is slowly, _so_ slowly fading. She keeps telling herself she will see him again. She will return and everything will be ok and his love will still be there.

_Ember he's a templar… you can never have the full extent of his love. He is bound by duty and you of all people know that fact. What do you plan to do ? Kidnap him and run off into the sunset ? Your being silly… he can never be yours… _

She's told herself this before, countless times, but the reply to her own mental argument has always been

_In my heart he will always be mine, and I will always be his… _

And really how can she argue with that ? She'd cursed herself a million times over, but her heart never gave up the claim.

She fights back the tears and retreats into the tent behind her. As soon as she settles into her bedroll she can hear the words of the chant floating in from the sister nearby who had been offering them to the soldiers. She knows the verse well and as she listens the memories, like the wind, come swirling around her once again.

**~*~**

"Blessed are they who stand before The corrupt and the wicked and do not falter.

Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just."

Ember sat in back pew listening, all the way to the right in the most shadowy place of the chapel. No-one knew that she came here. Most apprentices and mages avoided the chapel like the plague. She didn't believe in everything the chantry said, in particular it's skewed view on what is right and wrong when it came down to the particular's. She did feel the pull to believe in something though. She didn't like to put all of her hopes in mankind alone, she was comforted in believing in something more. She knew a lot of her friends; Jowan especially would disagree and chide her for her beliefs so she came in secret wearing a hooded cloak when she knew not a lot of people would be around. She was eighteen and ahead in all of her studies so Senior Enchanter Irving had granted her a free period for independent study. While all of her peer's were in class or in the library, she snuck up to the chapel once or twice a week. It was about two weeks after she had started her visits there when she discovered that _he_ came too.

"Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow.

In their blood the Maker's will is written."

She listened and watched him kneeling, reciting his normal verses. She wondered what he was thinking… his hands were clasped so tightly and his brow wrinkled as he concentrated, pouring his heart and soul into the verses. These were the moments she loved the most from him. Who knew that such passion was contained in all that armor and seriousness? His passion moved her and without knowing it she started coming to the chantry on the days she knew he would be there. She waited there in the shadows unnoticed hoping to see him. Those little moments where he did not guard his emotions were too delicious to miss. Her heart broke into pieces with love for him.

Ember knew he watched her, she could feel his eyes on her back as she passed in the tower. He took up all the posts where he knew she would be. She didn't mind it, not at all. On the contrary she was happy that he did it. She tried talking to him every chance she got. She loved to hear him stutter. It was all she could do not to smile when she heard him say "g…g… good morning Ember" each morning as she went to breakfast. He guarded her hall in the morning, the library in the afternoon and the senior mage's quarters in the evening, the only time of day she didn't see him. What he didn't know, what no-one knew was that she watched him too. She couldn't help herself. He was her distraction from life, from studying from feeling like a prisoner. She relished in any small conversation, every look and each uninhibited moment she saw from him. On occasion she saw him joking around with his fellow templars when they would spar out in the courtyard in the back of the tower. She watched from her window ,seeing him smile and laugh left her with a smile on her face for the rest of the day.

_Ember, you are turning into one of those sappy doe-eyed girls you and Jowan are always making fun of you know… and for a Templar no less… This will not end well. There is no happy ending here. _

Her sensible side kept telling her as much, but the side of her with it's head in the clouds countered.

_Oh practical good doing Ember will you please be quiet and let me have my fun, you know I can't help it… look at him up there so focused. We are the same, I'm sure I look exactly like that when I'm studying or practicing magic. Actually I KNOW I look that way, as Jowan has teased me about it many times. Every time he caught me studying he would walk up smooth the wrinkles in my forehead. She hear almost hear him now._

_"So serious Em … really your forehead is going to stick like that if you don't give it a break, then no-one would think your so beautiful" he would say while mocking the look on my face. _

_Ugh, if that man wasn't her friend she'd curse him… _

Ember sighed.

_What time is it ?_

At that exact moment, as if someone had read her mind, she heard the bell ringing signaling the start of her next class.

_Oh damn it all to pieces… _

She stood up in a hurry and made for the door, but as she turned her foot caught on the end of the pew and sent her flying into a tall candelabra. With a muffled scream she went soaring, her head making a loud crack as both it and the candelabra went crashing into the stone floor making all sorts of loud noises.

Cullen sprang to attention at the loud crashing sound from the corner. He was a little embarrassed that he hadn't realized anyone else was in the chapel with him. He rushed over in the direction of the noise hand on the hilt of his sword anticipating the worst, but relaxed as he knelt down to the figure laid out on the floor, their upper body covered by a hooded cloak that had twisted in the fall.

"Maker, are you Ok ?!" He asked the covered figure as he moved to help them untangle themselves.

He heard a low groan of pain as the person lifted its arm in a weary attempt to free themselves. Cullen gasped as he lifted the cloak off the figure's face.

"E… Ember w… what are you d… doing ?! A… are you OK ?!" he said in surprise as He reached for her arm to help her to a sitting position as she grabbed her head in pain.

_Damn this cursed stutter… _he thought as he shook his head and looked at her with concern in his eyes.

"Urrrghhh … I was just… Ah I come here every now and again, I just don't tell anyone about it…" She blubbered out shrugging her shoulders.

He looked at her in surprise…

_Of all the people… is this a test ? Did the Maker put her there because he knew Cullen had been thinking about her just now as he prayed. This was just too much… _

His stomach whirled and his heart raced.

_Was it possible to love her more than he did five minutes ago ? When he was praying to the Maker to let his heart forget her ? When he was praying for forgiveness for his sin ? Oh sweet Andraste she is beautiful. Maker forgive me… _

and he felt the need to pray again, as his arm, as if acting on it's own volition wrapped around her back to steady her.

"I think I'm ok Cullen, I'm sorry I startled you, I just … can this be our little secret ? I mean I just don't want any of the other apprentices giving me any grief and … ooh …. ow.. I must have really hit my head. Can you help me stand up, maybe I just need to walk it off."

" Y…yes I… of course M'lady" and he took her other arm in his hand as he slowly stood up letting her steady herself against him.

_Goodness she smelled wonderful… _He had never been this close to her .

"You can call me Ember, Cullen…"

She looked up at him, his heart suddenly racing again as he wondered what it would be like to bend down and softly kiss her lips. He shook the thought out of his head immediately and reluctantly let go of her arms so that she could try and walk. She took a step forward before dizzily losing her balance and falling into his arms again, her hands resting against his armored chest.

He let out a big long breath and wondered how much more he could take. He needed to get her somewhere else and get away from her before he lost himself.

"I … I think I should take you to the infirmary… _Ember…_" He said smiling slightly as her name rolled off his tongue.

"Mmmm" she murmured, while nodding in agreement.

"Well at least I won't be getting into trouble for missing class" she said chuckling.

"Cullen… you won't say anything… about me being in the chapel will you" she looked at him her eyes pleading.

"No I won't, I promise" he replied leading her out of the room.

She smiled up at him in thanks, her cheeks turning pink. He savored being this close to her, his arm around her. It felt like lightning went flowing through his veins when he touched her. He drank in the moment knowing that as soon as he left her with the healers he would be running back up to pray again before taking up his next post.

_It's no use though you fool…_

_He knew that no matter what he did he would never get her out of his head and especially not out of hi heart…_


	3. Tests of Strength

**A/N-** Thanks to all of those who have read and enjoyed the story so far. And thanks for all the positive reviews! I will try and update again as soon as possible. I hope that the story continues to be enjoyed! And I also apologize immensly for all of the grammatical errors and roughness, I continue to edit and rewrite as I go.

* * *

**"We'll crucify the insincere tonight**

**We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight**

**We'll find a way to offer up the night**

**the indescribable moments of your life**

**the impossible is possible tonight**

**believe in me as I believe in you tonight"**

**-'Tonight,Tonight' Smashing Pumpkins-**

* * *

**Tests of Strength**

Cullen opens his eyes and stares thoughtfully at the ceiling, and then shuts them tightly again moments later as if trying to rid himself of his thoughts.

_Sleep… Sleep Cullen. Sleeeep… _

He tries to will himself. Maker knows he needs it. It's the second week full of restless nights for him, and he's not sure how much longer he can go on like this.

_What is she doing right now, he wonders._ _Is she safe? Is she alone somewhere?_

_Ember… Ember… Ember… _Her name echoes with every heartbeat.

_You are a hopeless idiotic fool of a man. _But he knew that statement was wrong, what _man_ wouldn't be the one she loved?

_Fool of a Templar. _He corrected himself. But even then, templar or no templar, who could deny her perfection? Sometimes he thought he hated Ember for possessing the things that he loved about her. It killed him to think about hating her, but at the same time maybe that's what he _needed_.

_I need sleep, that's what I need. _

But he cannot calm the seas inside his restless head and hopeless heart. He runs his hands through wavy auburn hair and over his eyes closing them. He pictures her face and can almost feel her long hair black as night run through his fingers, her full lips on his skin, and her delicate hands tracing the length of his body. Like an answer to his prayers he hears her voice soft and shy, singing the dalish lullaby she had sung to him the last night he saw her. He drifted off to sleep moments later, dreams of her swimming around him. This would be the first night of full sleep he's had since she left.

~*~

Ember awoke with the sun as dawn stretched its legs over Ostagar. With a groggy moan she sits up and rubs her eyes, the pit in her stomach returns,gnawing at her insides as she looks around her tent and brings herself back to reality.

_Oh, if dreams were only real… _she sighs, visions of auburn hair and strong arms fading away from the forefront of her mind.

She grabs her mage robes smoothing them over her slender frame and tries to prepare herself mentally for the task ahead of her. The unrest in her stomach subsides as curiosity, adrenaline, and eagerness to prove herself flood her psyche.

_You can do this Ember, just think of it as another lesson, another test that you can either pass or fail. You know you always pass…_

Ember lets out a small sigh at the slight relief and smiles to herself as she secures her braids in two buns at the back of her head. She fishes the small round silver mirror out of her pack and fondly traces the markings that border the smooth glassy surface. This is the only belonging that she has from days before she arrived at the circle tower. It has no monetary value in its worn state. The cover had broken off long before she can remember it being whole, but she regards it as rather priceless. It has become something of a touchstone for her. Everytime she looks at it, it reminds her of who she is and what she believes in. She turns her focus to her reflection and lets out a quiet chuckle.

_Well Ember you've certainly got the ice cold "I will set your pants on fire if you look at me the wrong way" glaring look of death down pat. _

Not entirely the impression she was going for, but then again was she even sure what kind of impression she wanted to make? Tough, yes… but mean and scary?

_Seriously Ember you have more important things to worry about. _

She nods at her own internal lecturing.

"Time to get on with it then" she says out loud to herself as she makes her way out of her tent.

"Well Good Morning Sunshine, don't you look perky"

She rolls her eyes as she turns to look at Daveth, one of the fellow recruits she met while exploring camp the previous night. She doesn't like the glib way _perky_ rolls out of his grinning mouth or the way he looks her over while eating breakfast like she is the next course.

"Good Morning Daveth, I see that our upcoming task has done nothing to damper your flirtatious spirit." She shoots at him with a smirk as she sits and takes her share of the breakfast food.

"Of Course not M'lady can't blame a guy for trying especially in the face of almost certain death or dismemberment. Might as well use the parts that I've got while I've still got 'em don't you agree?"

She tries to give him a stern disapproving look, but it breaks and she lets out a short laugh.

"Well as long as you don't try to use your err… _parts_ with _me_, we'll be fine. Need I remind you that I _am_ a dangerous and fearsome mage with the ability to set aforementioned _parts _ablaze as I see fit to."

"Oooo _fiery_ _parts_, now you've _really _got my attention." Daveth chuckles.

Ember shakes her head at him smiling, she was grateful for him really. His flirtatious joking had helped lighten the whole 'doom and gloom' thing that seemed to hang in the air. She was a little thankful that it was him and not Ser Jory that greeted her. She had met him yesterday as well. While she did think that he was an honorable man, finding his worries and love for his family sincere and touching, She could feel a hint of fear and despair emanating from him. It did nothing but further sink the pit that she had been trying to rid herself of since arriving in Ostagar.

"Where is Ser Jory ? And Duncan ?" She asks Daveth, as she finishes breakfast. She had not yet met Alistair, but had instructions from Duncan to seek him out when everyone was ready to head out. Why she was seemingly the one in charge out of the three recruits she did not know, but she didn't argue the point nor did she really want to dwell on it as it made her feel a bit uneasy.

"Ser Jory went off to seek a chantry sister to guide him through prayer before we depart and I think Duncan is attending a meeting with King Cailan." He looks at her with knowing eyes and she doesn't have to ask, which she is thankful for because it makes her sound like such a _leader._

"We are ready. Alistair went to deliver a message to the mages, you'll probably be able to find him on the eastern side of camp. He didn't leave but maybe twenty minutes ago." He says as he laughs quietly at some inside joke in his statement.

She nods, raising an eyebrow in response to the laugh, but shrugs and sends him a look of thanks. She grabs her staff, secures it in place and heads off to find Alistair, the so called _junior_ grey warden.

~*~

The day had been _eye opening _to say the very least. Nothing that Duncan or anyone for that matter had said had prepared her for her first encounter with Darkspawn. She had froze when she first saw them, gnarled and disfigured their sinister laughing had crawled under her skin making her feel exposed and vulnerable. It had taken the whooshing sound of an arrow half an inch from her face to spring her back into action. She felt like she was back on her first day of classes at the circle, clumsy and unsure. Half of her bruises and injuries were of her own consequence. She had _no idea _what she was doing. She was a little embarrassed, but by the end of the day she was getting better.

_Thank the maker for that._

She hadn't stumbled or fallen since sometime that afternoon and had managed killing some stragglers on her own before assisting the others with the main groups. She had laughed at herself after her first kill as she fought the urge to jump up and down while clapping her hands in excitement. She even gave a couple orders to the group, which felt suprisingly natural. She felt alive for the first time since she left the tower, and found herself smiling as night had started to close in on them.

She has to admit, although scary and challenging, this is _exciting. _She is grateful for that at least, it takes her mind off of all the other things that are going on in her head, off the _sadness. _Which is more than she can say about camp. The day was getting old and they were forced to retire for the evening. They had retrieved the vials of blood, but still needed to uncover the grey warden treaties before returning to Duncan. Why was it about camp that always seemed to send her mind soaring into the past ? The memories thundered back into her brain now as she sits on a fallen tree log observing the fire, Seemingly angry that she had managed to forget them for a whole day.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Alistair says as he plops down beside her, his dinner in hand. " Did you know your face goes all magish and scrunchied when your thinking and concentrating ?" he asks while he wiggles his fingers towards his own intentionally scrunched face to emphasize the question.

She looks at him, her head cocked sideways.

_Yes I do know… but what exactly did he mean by magish ? and did he just say scrunchied? _She wonders in Amusement. A hint of pain crosses through her eyes as she imagines familiar fingers brushing over her forehead again. She immediatly dismisses it, and turns her attention back to Alistair.

Duncan had been quite right in his assessment that they would get along. She has been enjoying his sarcastic comments and his playful yet serious disposition is both refreshing and infectious. It's then that she really looks at him for the first time. He has a handsome face, rugged and youthful with a nice jaw line. His hair reminds her of some of the younger apprentice boys from the tower. On the shorter side yet fun and messy at the same time, it kind of makes her want to run her hands through it and mess it up further. His eyes are kind and playful, and the color of…

_honey_.

Her heart plummets to the bottom of her stomach in a matter of seconds.

~*~

Ember was awakened by the sounds of crickets and the feel of a cool breeze whistling through the grass. She blinked and opened her eyes, letting in the color of silver as the moon hung low and cast its light upon her.

_It was late. Much to late to be outside_, she thought looking around her getting her bearings. She had fallen asleep hours earlier. It had been a beautiful day so she took her studying outside into the courtyard. She had climbed a small hill overlooking Lake Calenhad and settled herself down next to a large oak tree.

_How is it that no-one has noticed my absence? Surely the templar guarding the apprentice hall would have saw she wasn't in her room and would have sent out a search party… _

_more like hunting party... _She corrected herself grimly.

_Maybe Jowan had somehow covered for me…_

She hoped as much anyway and made a mental note to ask the Maker for forgiveness for all the curses she had wished upon him in all the time she had known him. She stood to hurry inside when she heard the familiar clanking of Templar armor approaching. Panicking she pressed her back against the tree hoping that the guard did not see her and would leave, giving her a chance to sneak back into her room. Not that it would do much good _now. _The templar's presence outside could only mean that her empty bed had not gone unnoticed. She sucked in her breath as the noise got louder, he was on the other side of the tree and she might as well face it, she was _caught._

"Ember? I… Is that you?" the all too familiar voice questioned.

Ember blew out a breath of relief, although her already racing heart only quickened at the sound of his voice.

"Oh Cullen, Maker please tell me you aren't out here to haul me into Greagoir." she gushed her eyes pleading as she turned to look at him her hands resting on the side of the tree.

The worry in his eyes subsided, and he gave her a soft, but stern look.

"E…Ember w…what are you doing out here?! Do you know how much trouble you could be in right now, if anyone knew you were out here? Not to mention how much trouble I will be in. Thankfully I was sent to guard the apprentice hall tonight because the regular guard is sick! They could have locked you up! Or _Worse" _

She could see his lip trembling and his fists clench as he said that last word and she knew what he meant. Fear and regret hit her square in the face as she realized the serious consequences of her actions.

_How could I have been so careless…?_

" I… I…" She started, but Cullen continued, interrupting her as he walked closer to her.

"Th… They could lock _me _up if they knew I was covering for you! I was half afraid you had gone crazy apostate mage on me, _terrified_ they would send _me_ to go hunting you down!" His hands were now resting on both sides of her shoulders as if he was readying himself to shake her.

She had never seen him upset before and though she didn't like that she had been the cause of his worry, she relished the moment. It certainly didn't help that he was touching her.

_And for the love of everything holy did he have to stand so close ? _She found it was getting harder to breath. Seeing this new side of him both captivated and crushed her. She suddenly felt sick that she had upset him so much.

"I'm so sorry Cullen" She said earnestly, looking at her feet sheepishly wanting desperately to have some more important and pressing reason for causing him pain.

"I was studying… I…I've been trying so hard to prepare for my harrowing, that I have been staying up late for weeks… I just dozed off out here… I never meant to… I mean... I am really sorry... Maker you must think I'm an idiot"

She was still looking at her feet, not wanting to look him in the eyes when she felt his hand slide off her shoulder. Seconds later she felt him again pushing up on her chin with two fingers so that she was forced to look at him.

"I... I could never think you're an idiot Ember." he said meaningfully, so many unspoken words behind his eyes.

Her heart exploded into a million pieces and without thinking she lifted herself up on her toes and pressed her lips onto his. She could feel his body tense as she pressed herself against him, the hand on her shoulder tightening its grip. For a moment she felt he would push her away but the little bit of restraint he had left crumbled and he melted into her, the kiss deepening as he pushed her back into the tree. He returned the kiss with roughness and intensity. Ember savored the taste of him as she curled her hands into his hair at the back of his head. She felt his hands cupping her face gently in contrast to the rest of him which urgently molded against her, wanting so much more than either were ready to give.

Moments later he broke the kiss as they both gasped for air, breathing heavily. He looked at her with sad eyes searching for something in her face that she knew he couldn't find... a resolution to their obvious problem. He closed his eyes and turned away from her in what? Anger? Regret? She couldn't tell.

"Cullen, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have… I know… I know you took vows, I… I wasn't thinking." she said as she reached for him to turn back around.

Cullen couldn't look at her, afraid he would lose himself again. He never fathomed that she would feel the same way he did. He needed to get away from her, and quickly. He walked away from her reaching hand and turned his head towards the direction of the Tower.

"No, I shouldn't have indulged myself like that. The fault is mine Ember…" He paused trying to make his words sound as firm as possible though it half killed him. "You need to get back to your room before the next guard comes to relieve me, I'll lead you up the back stairway. No-one should be patrolling there at this hour."

It took all of the strength that he had left inside of him to not look at her as he walked with a weary heart and feet full of lead back towards the tall looming structure that they both called home.


	4. Awakened Dreams

A/N- The rating of this story will be going up to M either in Chapter 5 or 6, just a fair warning! Again, thanks for reading :o)

* * *

**"Please forgive me**

**If I act a little strange**

**For I know not what I do.**

**Feels like lightning running through my veins**

**Every time I look at you**

**Help me out here**

**All my words are falling short**

**And there's so much I want to say**

**Want to tell you just how good it feels**

**When you look at me that way**

**Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow**

**Moving out across the bay**

**Like a stone I fall into your eyes**

**Deep into that mystery**

**I got half a mind to scream out loud**

**I got half a mind to die**

**So I won't ever have to lose you girl**

**Won't ever have to say goodbye**

**I won't ever have to lie"**

**-Please forgive me 'David Grey'-**

**

* * *

**

**Awakened Dreams**

It had been a _good_ day all things considered and Ember was becoming _good _at this. Considering they had been outnumbered more times than she cared to count and she had acquired the bruises and what felt like cracked ribs to prove it. Considering that they then had run into _Morrigan _and her crazy mother Flemeth who quite possibly could be the witch of the wilds, if Ember even believed in that whole story. Which she hadn't… not until they had met the woman and she found herself thinking that if there _was _a witch in the wilds then Flemeth certainly would fit the part. In any case Flemeth had done a service to them by keeping safe then returning the documents they were seeking and they had returned to Ostagar slightly before nightfall vials and grey warden treaties in faithful hands.

_Considering ALL of that it __had __been a good day…_

_Until now that is…_

Until she had just watched two men die. Two men that she had spent two days fighting with. Two men who had just spent their last two days on this earth trying to stay alive, trying to keep each other alive. And she had just watched them die. First Daveth to the taint, and then to her utter and complete horror she stood and watched Ser Jory fall to _Duncan's_ blade. She desperately wanted to scream at him to drink the damned blood, but before words could escape her lips, he was gone. And it felt _wrong _that she was still alive in some ways. It felt like their blood was on her hands, like somehow she could have prevented their deaths_._

_If only I had been more encouraging to ser jory instead of avoiding him… _

_Maybe I should have done something to impress upon Daveth the seriousness of becoming a grey warden instead of joking with him…_

Between the pain of loss and the regret of what if's it was now decidedly one of the worst days.

_Your still alive… _she tells herself.

But it doesn't feel like much of a victory as she lays in her tent trying to get a few hours rest before the meeting with the king… before the battle.

_Think of how many lives you can help save now … don't think of the ones that are lost. There was nothing you could have done. _

She tries to hold on to that thought, but some small part of her still misgives.

_I will do everything in my power to never let another life go forfeit again. _She promises herself as she forces her eyes closed.

Cullen's face floods her mind. It's what she needs, and wants. Despite the fact that it pains her to think of him, in contrast to the day's past and upcoming events the memories give her comfort and hope. If only _he_ was here. She desperately wishes to hear his voice tell her that everything will be ok. If she could just hear him say it, she would believe it. She thinks of him in another life. Someplace far away from here, where there would be no death or fighting. A life that could be theirs and only theirs. The thought eases her mind for the moment as she settles into awakened dreams.

~*~

It had been a week since that night. He could still feel and taste her lips like they were burned and imprinted onto his. She had stirred something that had been buried deep inside him that night. He had loved her before, that much was undeniable, but it was a sweet, observant and quiet kind of obsession. If he wasn't a templar, he would even venture to call it innocent.

_If I wasn't a templar… _the thought floated around in his head.

Now it was something different entirely. Now that sweet, innocent love had erupted into something feverish and enflamed. It kept him awake at night, forcing him to sleep on his stomach in efforts to hide his physical reaction to his most restless mind. Not that he hadn't thought of her in that way before, he did, but those thoughts were always quickly pushed and stored into the back of his head by years of discipline. He had known that if he ever indulged himself fully into that world he would be forever lost. And that's exactly what he felt like he had become.

_Lost…_

He had avoided her since that night, coming up with excuse after excuse for trading his posts. But that well had dried up and he was now standing in the library fully conscious of the fact that she would be entering at any minute.

To his surprise she never did. His eyes stayed watchful on the door for hours the apprentices came and went, but there was no sign of Ember. It was getting late and the library was almost empty. He wasn't really sure if he was relieved or disappointed about not being able to see her. He decided it was a little of both and his stance relaxed slightly, his nerves settling from the lost anticipation of her presence.

_I wonder where she is ? Is she avoiding me too ? Is she with someone ?_ his heart sank at the thought as he watched the only remaining apprentice gather his things and leave.

He let out a loud groan as soon as soon as the door closed, his hands shooting up to hit himself on both sides of his head.

_Pull yourself together man… you silly idiotic disgrace of a…._

"Cullen ?" Ember's quiet and shy voice came out of nowhere, making him jump in surprise.

"Are you okay ?" she looked at him a little concerned.

"I... uh E...Ember... wh... Im fine, but wh...where ?" he stammered out a looking around perplexed as to where she just suddenly appeared from.

"You've been avoiding me for a week now…please tell me you don't hate me." She let out cutting him off mid sentence, apparently anxious to get the question out.

He tried to sternly offer up some lame excuse about how he was filling in for someone elsewhere, but the words caught in his throat. He knew that he should tell her that the kiss was a mistake and to leave him alone, but he just couldn't. She looked up at him through long lashes, her pale green eyes looking right into him and he realized right then that he could never tell her anything but the truth. He sighed.

"N… no I… I don't hate you Ember, of course I don't… I'm sorry … It's… It's just that I can't really trust myself around you anymore…" He blurted out, saying more than he really meant to.

A grin slowly tugged at the corners of Ember's mouth and Cullen felt like his heart had begun to beat against his armor like it was a steel drum.

"Well it's quite obvious after our last encounter that I too am inflicted with that same inability to control my actions... Especially when I find myself in the company of a certain stuttering templar… so… I guess we're even in that respect." She replied turning to face the bookshelf in an attempt to hide her reddening face from him.

_Blasted was it really that horribly noticeable ?! _Cullen cursed inwardly as he felt his own cheeks flush.

"You know I've been sitting in that corner over there for hours waiting for you to stop watching that bloody door like a hawk so that I could make an escape, when it occurred to me that avoiding you is rather absurd. We live in a tower together Cullen... we will always be _bumping_ into one another."

There was something about the way that she said the word bumping that send a shockwave down his spine as he watched her walk away from him tracing the books on the shelf with her delicate fingers. She looked over her shoulder, turned and walked back towards him. She blew out a deep breath before continuing.

" And… I am simply tired of us hiding from each other because you're a templar and I'm a mage. Can't we just succumb to being friends, there's _nothing_ that says we can't be friends. Maker knows after the stunt I pulled in the courtyard I _need _a friend in your position…"

He gave her a puzzled look wondering how on earth this could possibly solve their problem.

"Maybe in time you will lose the stutter and the charm and I will get old and boring. Then we will be of no appeal to each other thus making it possible to become lifelong friends." She said flashing him a small smile.

_That is entirely impossible … _Thought Cullen in regards to her appeal. _There could never be a day where I couldn't get lost in those eyes. _

But he smiled faintly in despite of himself and something inside of his heart sent electric currents out through the edges of his sanity. He was smart enough to read between the lines of what she was really trying to say. She wanted to spend more time with him. She wanted to know him better. There was a mischievous sparkle in her eyes that night, and Cullen though shy and inexperienced was not stupid and had become rather good at reading people. His better judgement burrowed into him again telling him to give her some speech about how templars and mages were not to be friends, but the fight inside him was waning.

"So what say you Ser Templar ?" She paused as if contemplating her next sentence carefully.

"I promise I won't kiss you again, if you promise to keep a reasonable distance." her smile faded as she looked up at him with a serious face, the light of desperation in her eyes. He didn't know it then but she was trying to tell him how much she couldn't bear the thought of living in the tower without ever talking to him again.

And there it was, the single thread holding his restraint laying broken, snapped in two by the pull of the most amazing creature Cullen had ever come to know and lay eyes upon.

~*~

Ember half walked, half skipped past the templar on duty smiling at him and then continuing down the apprentice hall. She slowed her pace, fighting the urge to twirl the rest of the way to the door.

_Bloody hell Ember, you cannot be serious… skipping and twirling ?! What's next ? 'C+E=forever' in hearts and stars scrawled inside your books and on bathroom walls ? _Save_ some dignity for yourself and stop being so ridiculous. You are nearly twenty years old, not thirteen._

She stopped at the door, opened it and slipped inside. Most everyone was asleep and she quietly tip-toed to her bed tumbling onto it, a huge smile plastered on her face. She had just come from the library, but more importantly she had just come from talking with Cullen. It had been five days since she propositioned him with her offer of friendship. Since then she had spent the last couple of hours of every evening in his company.

She was getting to know him. More deeply than she ever hoped she would know him. Knowing him from a distance and filling in all the empty spaces was so much different than this. Any doubt of her love for the templar that had so much as sprouted in her before had been completely obliterated now. She had learned so much about him. There was so much underneath the quiet and thoughtful exterior. He told her about his small collection of books he had stored in a trunk in his quarters. She uncovered that he had been passed from chantry to chantry across Ferelden in his youth, like her his memory of a family was non existant. She quickly found out how perceptive and smart he was. She even discovered after extensive prodding that he harbored a boyish dream ,wrought from a favorite book, of becoming a knight-hero riding around on a white horse saving people. They had both laughed together after his confession. She remembered the look he gave her when she grew serious and told him in sincerity that he was already a hero of sorts. She had always had quite a different view of the templars than most mages and apprentices did. And she could read in his face that he was in awe of her tolerance for 'his' kind, as some would put it. The only thing that disappointed her about him was that the stutter she loved so much, had all but disappeared as he grew more comfortable around her. She missed that quite a bit...

_What are you doing Ember… you have a harrowing in less than three weeks…. _

But she shoved those thoughts to the furthest reaches of her mind. She _had_ been studying … a lot actually. There was really nothing else she could possibly do to prepare herself. She had perfected her spells and to her understanding the harrowing was more a test of mental strength and discipline than it was of spell casting and knowledge of magic. She was ready, and her mental chiding did nothing to chip away at her confidence, she refused to let it. Besides if things did go badly she might as well have a little fun around this circled cage while she still could.

She lifted her legs and with her feet pushed up on the thin board that separated her from the top bunk, Jowan's bunk. The mattress above her popped up then landed with a quiet thud as his weight was not there to hold it down. She was not surprised, Jowan hadn't been around much in the last month. She hadn't noticed much at first as she had occupied herself with studying and now Cullen, but she wondered with a hint of concern what he's been up to. Without realizing it, a steady distance had been growing between the two. She knew he had been upset when she told him news of her upcoming harrowing, as her friend had been growing impatient and weary for his own. She had been so wrapped up in her own excitement that she had neglected Jowan entirely. Ember rolled over waves of guilt crashing around her.

_Ahhh Jowan, I've been so selfish lately… _she let out a hushed groan._ Maker's breath I've been a horrible friend… _

She whispered out a promise to talk to Jowan in the morning before drifting off to a deep and peaceful slumber. Dreams descended down on top of her, snuffing out all that was wrong in her world.


	5. Agony and Irony

A/N- Sorry it's been so long since an update. My computer was on hiatus all last week! Thanks for reading :o)

* * *

**"Falling slowly, eyes that know me**

**And I can't go back**

**Moods that take me and erase me**

**And I'm painted black**

**You have suffered enough**

**And warred with yourself**

**It's time that you won**

**Take this sinking boat and point it home**

**We've still got time**

**Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice**

**You've made it now"**

**"Falling Slowly"- Glen Hansard**

**Agony and Irony**

Ember looks into his face which glows from the light of the fire. She raises her eyebrows at him, thinking hard about something. His loving and adoring eyes give her a warm and fuzzy feeling that settles into the bottom section of her stomach. She props herself up onto her elbows and looks him over. What a beautiful warrior she thinks. He looks at her, his head cocking to the side questioning, silently asking her what is on her mind. She grants him a smile and runs her hands through his dark blonde hair, ruffling it. He grins at her in response and takes her smile to mean that she is pleased with him. She is his world now, his every action spent in efforts to make her happy and safe. He sidles in closer to her and rests his head underneath her chin in a way that says 'more ruffling please'. She chuckles and kisses the top of his head making him sigh and he supposes that it will do for the moment.

"For a tough and fearless warrior, you sure can be quite the baby you know" she mutters into his ear.

He would argue, but it's nothing but the truth and if it gets him loving attention from _her, _well then it really can't be such a bad thing, could it? No… he couldn't fathom that it could be. He gives her one last adoring look and resigns to rest as she resumes stroking his head. His stomach is full, she is safe, they are both warm and happy and he has the fleeting thought that this must be some kind of heaven.

Ember kisses his head one last time and whispers into his ear before pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Jack… that's what I name you" and he smiles a canine kind of grin before he drifts off to sleep.

_Great, I have now officially joined the ranks of mighty dog owner._ Her lips widen into a smile in despite of that thought. _Honestly though who could not love the fur ball. _

It was more than she could really say about the rest of her mismatched band of warriors that they have accrued in the past twenty four hours at least she thinks as she lifts the flap of her tent and walks out to the campfire, her pack in hand. They set up camp just outside of Lothering. The previous few days had felt like the longest days Ember had ever experienced. The events were all mottled together now, First the disaster at Ostagar followed by the short stay at Flemeth's where they had acquired Morrigan, then the journey and arrival in Lothering where they had added three more members to their group. The only two people at camp that she remotely trusted were Jack and Alistair. She picks out a spot by the fire and sets the pack down onto the ground, settling down upon it seconds after. She looks around their camp through the dancing flames of the fire, two smaller fires echoing it. The first belonging to the travelling salesmen they had encountered and saved while leaving Lothering and the other one was Morrigan's. She could see her standing begrudgingly by her tent warming herself.

_I would need warming too if I was that frigid... Not to mention if I went around wearing a shirt that was barely larger than my small clothes._

Ember had worn mage robes all her life and just looking at Morrigan made her feel exposed herself sometimes. She wonders what it would be like to be comfortable wearing something like that.

_Isn't she afraid something will fall out?! _

She has a thought to ask her about it, but decides against it, she can't really see that conversation going well;

_Ember; "Oh hey Morrigan I was just wondering how on earth you keep your small bits from falling all over the place in that top ?"_

_Morrigan; "Are you inferring that I don't have the intelligence to make clothes that fit well and secure through a fight? And furthermore are you calling my bits small?_

_Ember; "Oh Well I didn't mean it like that… I was just uh… curious" _

_Morrigan "I might be inclined to ask you why you are wearing that robe. Tis it not a stuffy and confining garment? Do you not feel as though you cannot move properly in it?_

_Ember; "Well … no it's rather practical really… " _

_Morrigan; -Morrigan gives Ember Evil apostate mage stare of death- "Does my outfit offend you grey warden?" _

_Ember; "Erm …. Noooooo…. I actually quite like it really…" -Ember smiles and backs away slowly- _

Yes, better not to ruffle the feather's of the ones you fight beside. In contrast to the fact that she has taken an extreme annoyance to Alistair, Morrigan has been, so far at least, respectful and polite to Ember herself. Maybe in time they could become friends. Ember resigns to at least entertain that idea, she doesn't really like the notion of trying to defeat the blight with people she can't get along with.

She turns her attention to the large qunari who stands alone at the edge of camp. Sten however would most likely be the hardest nut to crack, at least in the friend department. Standing there he reminds Ember a bit of the templars at the tower, only he was looking out into the world for the danger and not directly at her. She didn't know much about the qunari people and if they are all like Sten she would like it to stay that way. He is big, quiet and mean looking. She wonders if his face is stuck in the fierce scowl, his lips drawn straight and firm across it, or if he has to force it that way consciously. She is almost one hundred percent sure that the word friend is entirely absent from his vocabulary actually. Simply not angering him would have to suffice when it comes to Ember and Sten relations, she decides.

She can see herself getting along rather well with Leliana, she can forgive the claim of visions from the maker, and even see a little merit in them. Far be it for her to think visions were an odd occurrence, Ember has seen stranger things in life. Considering the fact that she is new to all this, and really has no idea what she is doing they can really use all the help they can get. So if the maker wants to send her help than so be it.

_Send away Maker!_

It feels weird for her to sit and develop strategies on ways to maintain good relations, it wasn't something she had ever had to do. Nor was it something she really cared about. She has been disliked by templars and others for being either a mage or an elf or both her whole life. She has grown to not really care about such things. It feels important now though, like she would be a better leader if each person respected and liked her in their own ways. She's not really sure if she likes it, but she's getting used to the idea of everyone looking to her. Although she is puzzled as to why she is the one to shoulder the responsibility and not Alistair.

She see's him now standing over on the opposite side of the fire, his back towards it and her. She had dozed off earlier outside her tent and awoke from a nightmare to him staring at her. He had explained to her that they were another consequence of becoming a grey warden.

_As if there weren't already enough , the perks of the job are seemingly endless, far as I can tell. _

Her stomach had lurched when she saw him looking at her, she wasn't sure why. Maybe she was feeling lonely, maybe it was because every time she looked at his cursed face she found Cullen there. It doesn't help that they have the same eye color, but other things about Alistair were similar to him as well. The way he stood, the way he looked when he was really serious, little things. It's probably just wishful thinking. She supposes that she will find reminders of Cullen wherever she looks, so she might as well get used to it. It both gives her comfort and pains her to be near Alistair sometimes.

Alistair hasn't quite been his self since Ostagar. The lad nearly cried at the very mention of Duncan when they had reached Lothering, and had she really seen right when she was gathering herbs? She could have sworn he was picking flowers…

_Maker please do not let him go crazy on me, I need him around… I don't know if I can do this on my own…_

She misses playful sarcastic Alistair she decides. This new sullen and down trodden attitude was starting to get contagious. With a sigh she stands and makes her way over to him.

"Hey…" She nudges him, trying to keep the mood light. "You know if you keep standing here within eyeshot of Leliana she is probably going to come over here and start talking to you about shoes and visions of the maker."

He looks her over and smirks slightly. "Well you have my thanks for coming over to rescue me then."

She smiles warmly back up at him. "Rescuing is my middle name now so it seems in case you didn't yo u know."

"Well if I had any doubts earlier you deciding to rescue the murderous qunari from being the next darkspawn meal cleared them all away of course" he replies.

Ember smiles a small smile and looks at her feet, trying to come up with a way to ease the conversation to more serious subjects. She's never really been good at that kind of thing. "Sooo… how are you ? You've been pretty quiet since…."

_Since Duncan died… way to be subtle Ember….._

"Well since…_before_… Are you ok ?" He looks at her a little caught of guard his whole face falling into a slightly distraught frown and doesn't say anything.

"Do you want to talk about Duncan ?" She asks soberly.

_So much for easing into things…_

After some encouraging he finally lets it all out, telling her of his plans of finding and burying his body in Highever. She tells him she will go with him, if he doesn't want to go alone. He feels better. Which is a relief really, hopefully droopy face Alistair doesn't make too many more appearances. Ember isn't sure why, but she feels that it's her duty to make sure that he stays happy. That's what friends were for right ? But something else tugs at the back spaces of her aching heart, and she's not really sure what _that's _about.

~*~*~*~

Cullen wakes up gasping, sweat pouring from his brow. Bad dreams _again, _but this time they aren't about her. These nightmares are dark and twisted and fueled by things that have been going on in the tower. If it was anything else he would have been glad for the distraction, but this terrifies him. Whisperings of blood magic have been circling the tower. That alone wouldn't usually alarm anyone, but something is going on. About a month after Ember left a dark cloud seemed to lower its curtains down onto the circle. Everything became too quiet. The templars and the mages alike stopped smiling and laughing and everyone grew serious. Ever since it was discovered that Jowan was practicing blood magic, Knight Commander greagoir had all the templars on full alert. Everyone sensed it, a dark thing on the horizon about to awake and devour them.

But when ? Is it a false alarm ? He has been trying to keep his ears and eyes open, but he hasn't heard anything serious yet. So maybe it will blow over. All he knows is that now he gets one of two looks from the mages around the tower. They either look at him with a terror that mirrors his own, or they glower at him with a vengeful menace in their eyes. There's something behind the looks, something that has never been there before, but he has no idea what it means. He wishes he could find her face in the sea of the other mages. Someone who he could team up with to figure out what was going on. Someone he could trust. But could he trust her ? Or would she have changed as they did had she stayed here ? Something in his heart tells him he can always trust her, but it does nothing to quell the argument going on in his head.

Still he searches for her face among them, desperate for something to hold on to in this impending storm.

~*~*~*~

He shuffled nervously at his post looking over the swarm of heads that were moving fast through the hallway that lead into the library. The final classes of the day had released its students minutes ago.

_Any minute now…_

And like fate was reading his mind there she was, coming around the corner her long dark curls flowing behind her. She was looking at the girl beside her, her cheeks were flushed and she was laughing. She looked happy, and it made him sigh inside. She said goodbye to the girl and looked up at him, like she always does, and smiled. And his heart leapt, like it always does.

She walked into the library and sat down at the table closest to him. She was at least six feet away from him. But he swore he could smell her, the faint smell of lilacs. His conversation with Greagoir earlier that morning hammered at his heart, He would be there for her harrowing tomorrow morning. Not only would he be there, but he would be the one to strike the killing blow. He remembered the way that the Knight Commander had looked at him when he informed him of this duty. He was studying him, reading his reactions. He had known that his attention to Ember would not go unnoticed forever, but was not prepared for this. Ember's harrowing was now not only her test, but his also. But how was he supposed to tell her that ? Would she ask him if he would really carry out his duty ? What should he say ? The truth ? What was the truth ? He gazed at her as she studyied her book, biting her lip like she always did when she was concentrating.

_I honestly don't know if I could ever harm her…_

But if it wasn't her ? if it was an abomination ?

_Maker give me strength..._

He knew this had to be some sort of warning, a lesson of what happened when you fall in love with a mage. A beautiful, smart, amazing, funny … beautiful…. Mage…

He sighed out loud and it was enough to interrupt Ember's focus and his eyes traced over her eagerly as she turned to view him her face displaying the simple question of 'Is everything OK ?'. Of course everything definitly wasn't OK but he smiled at her anyways in reassurance. Her lips curled upwards, but he could tell she saw something in his worried face that his smile didn't erase from her mind.

The hours passed, the minutes ticking by like heartbeats. The bustle of mages seemed to move in slow motion, orbiting around Ember and him. As the last pair of feet shuffled out the door, Cullen walked toward her, she was sitting six feet away from him her back facing him. She didn't look back to him as he approached. Had she fallen asleep ? He touched her shoulder, the physical contact more intimate than he really meant or expected it to be. She reached up without looking and took his hand her hold lingering and then took his hand and pushed it in the direction of the chair beside her tugging it downwards for him to sit.

He Complied and settled into the chair, his armor clanking against the wooden frame. She raised her head and averted her eyes to meet his. He started to say something, but she raised her fingers to his lips to stop him. He was stunned into silence. Her fingers quickly retreated aware that they might have crossed that invisible barrier that they have both strayed from since that night in the courtyard. The area that they had briefly grazed burned, just one more part of Ember imprinted onto his lips keeping him awake at night he thought.

"Cullen, I know you're the one who has been assigned to…_watch_ me at my harrowing."

He noticed that she said watch instead of kill and wondered how she knew already. She took his armored hand into hers. And though his head was telling him to pull it back, he ignored the protest.

"It's alright… really… you don't have to worry. I _will _pass my harrowing."

He blinked at her… she sounded so sure of herself. She didn't even know what she would have to go through. He didn't even know what to think of her confidence. He realized that he believed her and as her emblazoned green eyes bore into his a feeling of relief winded down his spine, and centered him.

She smiled a warm and genuine smile, and stood up, her hand he realized still entwined in his. He pulled at it for her to sit back down again and she let out a soft laugh.

"I need my rest for tomorrow." the words trickled out of her mouth her voice barely above a whisper.

He nodded a little dejectedly, and before he could stand up to walk her to the door she bent over and took his head into her hands. Her touch cooled his cheeks which felt next to sweltering given her sudden proximity to him.

"You worry too much templar of mine, if the _unthinkable _should happen you would be doing me a great service by ending things for me. I… I know I promised I wouldn't but… " and before he could protest she leaned in and pressed her lips to his forehead. "Goodnight Cullen. I will see you tomorrow… and they day after… and the day after…"

And before he could collect himself up from off the floor she had already slipped out of the door. His mind was spinning, questions circling around his skull like a tornado.

_She just kissed me again… and did she say templar of __**mine ?**__ What did she mean by that… and why do I now feel ten steps closer to her than I was an hour ago. _

He felt relief, confusion, excitement and guilt all at the same time. For the first time since he had become a templar he felt as though there was some kind of an alliance between him and the mages through her. They were a team and they would go through this harrowing together.

_I will just have to ardently ignore my pathetic undying love for her for a day… sure… no big deal…._

He shook that thought off, burying and reserving all the personal touches and feelings they had shared just now for another day. Maker knew he couldn't ignore them forever. He wondered or maybe hoped that part of her confidence was due in part to him being there with her. He would not fail her tomorrow, and in not failing her he would still be doing his duty as a templar. His planets aligned, and everything seemed to settle inside him then for the moment.


	6. Hope Everlasting

**A/N- Just wanted apologize for the delay and also I kind of feel this may be going a little slowly, but please bear with me! There are certain scenes I feel are important to building Ember and Cullen's relationship, so it will pick up soon I promise! And also the rating will def be going up to M in the next chapter!! Thanks to everyone for reading and leaving reviews. Reviews definitely keep me inspired and I know I don't respond to them because I basically suck ( lol ) but a big THANK YOU to my readers and reviewers!**

* * *

**I'm at war with the world and they**

**Try to pull me into the dark**

**I struggle to find my faith**

**As I'm slipping from your arms**

**I'm awake I'm alive**

**Now I know what I believe inside**

**Now it's my time**

**I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life**

**Here, right now**

**I'll stand my ground and never back down**

**I know what I believe inside**

**I'm awake and I'm alive**

**In the dark**

**I can feel you in my sleep**

**In your arms I feel you breathe into me**

**Forever hold this heart that I will give to you**

**Forever I will live for you**

**-"Awake and Alive" Skillet-**

**Hope Everlasting**

He is driving her completely… irreversibly… and thundering _mad… _Everywhere she turns, in every pocket and corner she casts her eyes into, there he is. Alistair, in front of, beside, and on the occasion behind her. Always… _always_ there in all his ex-templar glory. His figure is clear as day before her, his face a collection of man-boyish features topped with a mess of styled dirty blonde hair. Basically the epitome of rugged good looks.

As clear as it may be that it is Alistair constantly in her presence, all she seems to see is Cullen. Cullen in his bumbling flirtations, Cullen in his stature. Cullen clearly and pointedly in the looks that cross his face when he has just said something incredibly corny and was now inwardly blasting himself for it. She wants to scream at him to stop it before she throws herself off the nearest cliff.

That's what she wants to do, but at the same time…_ and_ in the same way Cullen had unhinged her with his stumbling imperfections, she is finding her inner girlish subconscious giggling, flattered and mildly amused. And even though she hardly admits it to herself, Alistair ever so slightly begins to find his own personal cuddly soft spot inside her heart. Her Steely disposition towards him gets harder and harder to keep on with. Every bewildered puppy-eyed look he gives her after his flirtations are either shot down or walked away from send heart throbs of guilt running rancid through her veins.

_It really isn't his fault you have basically been ruined for all mankind… It's not his fault your heart beats on a pain level of at least a nine at all times. _

_It's not his fault… _

But she still takes it out on him. Alistair, the axis of her pain, reminding her of all that she was forced to leave behind. The only weapon she possesses against his intrusions is the wall she has built up around herself. The wall which provides her with the detachment she needs to halt his advances. Even the wall she feels has been slowly crumbling ever since they stepped foot into Redcliffe.

They were playing this game on his grounds now, and she can't help but to feel like every footstep she takes in order to keep her heart together is in kind stomping heavily into the most tender areas of his. It took all she had in her not to say something damaging after his "I'm a bastard prince" confession. She narrowly deflected the situation with a joke, the swiftest path to safe ground that she could think of at the time. She wanted to yell and pout and stomp and throw something. As if things weren't already bad enough, now she has a 'royal highness' on her hands.

Now she again finds herself cursing every part of his grounds, _and_ the remaining party members she chose to follow her into Redcliffe. Her eyes dart from Alistair, to Leliana, to Jack and then back to Teagan, Jowan and Isolde. If there ever was a small evil or selfish person hidden inside Ember, it is rearing it's ugly head at this moment. She wants nothing but to announce that they are killing the boy and then getting the hell out of dodge. She does not desire to travel to the tower, not so soon, not now… not …

_Ugh… _

She knows inevitably they would have to return soon, if only it be to demand the mages help against the blight by way of the warden treaties, but she had, before now put that on the back burner, silently working out a way around actually going to the circle physically.

She really ought to be happy, ecstatic, and anxious to return, if only to see Cullen. But she has no idea what awaits her there. Maybe he, wracked with guilt over destroying his vows, has changed his mind about her. Maybe he hates her for leaving him. Maker knows… and it was the unknown that had her scared deep down to her core. When she had left, he had loved her. Could she bear it if that had changed? Could she bear all of that while having the audience of all her companions at her back?

Some strong side to her being tells her that she can bear anything, but she isn't Ember unless she also harbors that other side inside her, that side that she tries so hard to ignore into oblivion, that side that always counters her bravado. That side that she hopes only she knows exists within her.

She looks to her party again, and wishes that she had chosen Morrigan, and Sten instead of Leliana and Alistair. Then she might fall prey to their wicked ways and find herself sidestepping over to the dark side. But no, she had picked Mister and Misses Light of the Maker themselves, and their dumbfounded looks as to why she is even considering another possibility are bearing down upon her.

_Like you would ever kill a child when there was a better option on the table Ember_

She looks at Isolde again, the mother so willing to sacrifice her own life to save her child. She had thought the Arlessa vile upon their first meeting, but she could not fault her for trying to save her only son. A wave of pain tremors in Ember's heart for the desperate woman. Her shoulders slump and she crosses her arms in a physical "humph!" as the halo atop her head reemerges and takes its perch radiating brightly toward her conscience.

"We will seek out the circle mages for their aid in this matter. No more innocents shall die if we have anything to do with it"

She shoots Jowan an all too familiar dark look which he knows to mean.

_I'll deal with you later…._

Since their parting at the tower what little predilection she had towards her former best friend had been fading swiftly as the fool in him seemed to almost completely overtake the man she so dearly once loved as a brother. Sadness struck her at the core in remembrance of yet another thing she has lost in the recent months.

She regrets her 'speech' about innocent lives as she turns to walk out, trying to ignore Alistair's beaming look of pride that is reaching out towards her. She sounded so noble just then, but she feels anything but noble inside. She knows that her decision is the right one.

_It is the right thing to do…_

But it is the exact opposite of what she wants to do, and all the appreciating looks being tossed her way do nothing but make her feel all the more depraved. The only comfort she can find to partake in is that of the un-judgmental mabari who trots happily beside her, tongue hanging pendulous from his slobbering mouth. She rests her hand atop his head scratching him behind his ears. An act which garnishes a contented low whine from his throat. A thanks meant only for her, that only she can hear.

_Well you are certainly on the list of things that I have gained puppy…_

She grins at him and is humbled for the moment. She tries telling herself that Jack is but the beginning of a soon to be growing list. The clouds in the sky are clearing from the morning's storm as she and her party take their leave of the castle and Ember is reminded of the endless well of hope that lay embedded deep inside her.

~*~*~*~

_Wake up…wake up… wake up… Ember please… wake up… wake up… waaaaaaaaake uuuuuuuup _

The mental pleas resounded in Cullen's head as he looked at her, a crumpled mess in mage robes on the floor. She appeared to be in a deep sleep, but he knew a fight, a struggle, was occupying the space behind those closed eyes. He had never seen her asleep before and though he towered over her arms at the ready in case anything _unfortunate_ should happen, he wanted nothing more than to hold her in his arms. His hands itched, and his arms felt unusually empty at the thought.

_Wake up Ember… please…_

Greagoir's eyes burned at his back, and it felt like the Maker himself was staring at him, watching him.

_Am I sweating? Do I look horrified? Do I look worried? Oh in the name of everything holy…_

He tried his best to pull his face together in a stern templar glare.

_Think of… bad mages… _

_right… _

_running around doing… bad things… _

_Don't think of the perfect creature on the floor below you. _

_Yes well… impossible…._

He couldn't help it, he had to watch her in case… in case something should happen. So long as he had his eyes on her, his head seemed to go fuzzy. It was his job to watch her. This had always been his job, to keep an eye on the mages. And he had fulfilled it, particularly when it came to her. Ever since she came literally crashing into his life, his eyes had been on her. This job, this duty, both his love and despair all wrapped together the lines between the two blurring and almost disappearing altogether.

She subtly had reminded him, in the library that his duty was not only to the chantry and the maker, but to her also. The realization had closed the little gap that had remained between the two. As he stood there he knew in his heart that he was not there because Greagoir had told him to be there. He was not present at Ember's harrowing because he was compelled to do so by the maker. He was not here as _her_ templar because of the chantry. He was here for her and only her…

_Did she just move? Wait … yes she's moving! _

No longer thinking of the watchful eyes upon him, his body reacted to the sight of Ember awakening. He knelt down to her helping her into a sitting position with his available hand. Gripped in the hand opposite was a small dagger.

He was on his knees now, supporting her weight. Her lashes fluttered, and green eyes peeked out through the narrow slit of barely opened eyes. A small smile tugged at her lips.

"Culll…." She whispered before her eyelids slowly slid shut again.

A breath of relief escaped him and the dagger broke the thick silence as it fell from his hand and clanged against the cold stone floor. He felt pressure on his armored shoulder as Greagoir's hand settled upon it. The voice of the Senior Enchanter hovered at the opposite side, as he realized that both men had come to stand at either side of him.

"She has passed her harrowing, but is very weak. She needs rest." He looks over to Greagoir, nods and then takes his leave.

With a motion of Greagoir's hand, the remaining Templar's disperse and the two men are left alone in the Harrowing chamber, Ember lying limp in Cullen's arm.

"You have done well here Cullen, as you may already know, I had my reasons for putting this particular mage in your _care_ today." The Commander paused before continuing. "Well done Ser Knight, you will need to take her back to her quarters and stand guard there until she wakes as a precaution. Report to me immediately afterwards."

"Yes Knight Commander." Cullen replied.

He should be happy that his feelings for Ember were not reflected brightly through his features. He should be thrilled at Greagoir's praise. Instead he felt guilty. Greagoir was a man of duty. Duty to the chantry, and to the Maker. It was a duty that he and the Commander once shared. The lines between that duty, and his personal duty for Ember had blurred, and he felt his world shift because of that fact.

He scooped his mage up into his arms and stood, lifting her effortlessly. He kept his eyes focused ahead and not down directly toward her. He could feel her warmth through his armor, her presence filling up his arms overwhelmed him a bit. She was so very close. He was afraid that if he looked down at her he might want to brush the hair from her slightly flushed face. He might want to kiss her slightly parted lips. He might want to stroke her rosy cheeks and smooth her raven hair. Yes it was much better to look up at the boring grey stone patterns of the walls. It was all he could manage to just force himself to walk.

_One foot in front of the other Cullen…_

_Idiot… _

_The sooner you get her to her bed, the sooner you can breathe…_

_Right… to bed… _

_To bed…_

_Ugh…_

_Idiot…_

Five mental arguments later and they were at the doorway to the apprentice quarters. The large room was deserted as the majority of the apprentices were at class or required elsewhere. He knew from years of guarding the room that other than in the mornings and late evenings, this room was rarely occupied. He was relieved at the fact, as he sauntered over to Ember's bed and gently laid her down.

Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes to hours. Cullen had paced the length of the quarters countless times over. He had avoided sitting, his nerves were far too awake and on edge to relax. Pessimistic thoughts strangled any kind of thought process he could possibly have. It was much better for his sanity to stand and walk, he was a templar after all. Standing wasn't exactly a new concept.

The day drew to an end and he retreated to the wall nearest her bunk as apprentices began filing in. He realized that she needed to rest, but he so desperately wanted her to open her eyes, but she slept on amidst whispers and stares from the other apprentices.

Cullen remained awake and standing at attention through the night. Sleep tempted and taunted him, but his desire to see Ember awake carried him through. He couldn't remember the last time he slept well, but being a templar didn't mean you were going to get a good night's sleep in a cushy bed either. Fortunately sleep deprivation and Cullen had become well acquainted over the years. He became lost in his thoughts as the hours ticked by, all of them revolving around Ember. He couldn't help it, watching her laying there sleeping, making occasional whimpers brought to him to a new level of obsession if that was even possible. All the quiet of the night was steadily driving him mad with want.

He wanted her to wake up, he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to show her just how happy and lucky he felt simply because she was alive. He wanted her to know that she was important and special to him. He didn't even know why but he felt an urgent need to tell her that. He was so thankful that he _could_ tell her, he just knew that he regretted not letting her know before her harrowing. The light of dawn danced in his peripheral vision, breaking his thoughts and he let out a sigh of relief. Some of the apprentices had left the quarters in the past hour before sunlight, but now the room was beginning to bustle with activity.

As soon as the room emptied out Cullen padded over to Ember's side and settled down upon the bottom bunk adjacent from hers. Like the planets aligned and commanded it Ember's eyes slid open at the soft thud that sounded as he sat.

"Ember!" He half shouted as he sprang up and kneeled at her side.

Her lips curled into a warm smile and she carefully pulled herself into a sitting position eye level to him. Her hair fell loosely around her, pieces of it sticking to the right side of her face, and she looked flushed. The impression of the seam of her pillow was indented across her cheek. She reminded him of a small child who had just woken up from a long slumber. He chuckled softly and before he could stop himself his hand reached up and brushed away the pieces that were stuck. His thumb briefly stroked her cheek and traced her neck as his hand settled onto her shoulder, squeezing it.

She looked at him a little bewilderingly, he wasn't sure how to read her expression. It looked a bit like her face was reacting to her heart breaking inside her chest. Some kind of earthquake that had split it wide open. He had seen this face before. It was his reflection whenever he had been thinking of her and longing for something he knew he couldn't have.

Her lips parted and she started to say something. "Cullen … I… I…" It came out in a whisper. He wasn't sure if it was because she was still a little weak or because she couldn't find a voice for whatever it was she was trying to say, but her disheveled appearance and vulnerability pulled a chord deep inside his heart and he could bear it no longer. Before she could finish her sentence he leaned towards her and pressed his lips onto hers. She murmured something behind his lips but it came out as a soft "mmmm…" as she wrapped her arms around him.

The kiss progressed into something more passionate and wanting. He pulled her into him and she slid off the bed. He had no idea what had gotten into him, all he knew in this moment was her lips on his, and she was gathered into his arms, and…her robes were pushed up to her thighs and her legs… they were _bare…_ and… _around_ him…

_Oh maker her legs… _

And he wasn't thinking, he _couldn't _think, didn't _want _to think. He could feel the heat rising between them, an inferno that lay dormant for years, erupting at it's core.

She broke their embrace, and thank Andraste, because he wasn't sure that he would ever be able to stop himself. His hands released their hold on her and slid down the length of her body, resting at her thighs and he wished he could mentally dissolve the armor that covered them. For that matter, he wished he could do the same to all his armor, what he wouldn't give to feel her closer. Maybe it was better he was shielded, any closer and he may just lose his mind completely.

He looked at her questioningly, and she gazed into his eyes, she almost looked like she was swimming in them. They sat there like that for what seemed like hours. He did not wish to break the contact, and she was trying to remember what it was that she had wanted to say. Finally it came back to her.

"Cullen…" she breathed out in an octave slightly above a whisper. "I'm … so glad it was you…"

He looked at her a little puzzled and before he could mutter out a questioning "huh?", she continued.

"I didn't want to wake up to anyone but you…"

The heat exploded inside him, and his heart jumped into his throat. Whatever had overtaken him earlier returned and he wrapped his arms around her back.

She kissed his forehead and just when he was about to kiss her again, they both froze as they heard the footsteps outside the doorway.


End file.
